Episode 50

                                         

                                                                     

Anyone who knows me can tell you I am not a fan of found footage films. Apart from the original Blair Witch Project, The Poughkeepsie Tapes, Grave Encounters and one or two others I find them a waste of time and effort. Cliches, headache inducing camera work and an ending you know before you hit play all combine to make the genre a tough sell for me.

So when I picked up Episode 50 in a pack of 4 films for $5 I wasn't very hopeful, but the back cover offered up an interesting twist on the cliched premise of skeptical ghost hunters finding actual ghosts. This time around the skeptics are forced to work with another team, this one being evangelical Christians who see God and Satan in every strange occurrence. This led me to hope it would have a bit more depth than most similar films with some actual debate between the two teams about science, parapsychology and faith. Sadly there's just cliches and hyperbole, much of it sounding like Christian propaganda.

There's also multiple problems with the film itself, its supposed to be the footage shot by these two crews but much of it could obviously not have been shot by them. This hands throughout the film and keeps pulling the viewer out of the film. Other films have survived one or two scenes like this, but they've been much better films and it's not until afterward that you realize what has happened. Episode 50 is so dull you notice it right away.

Also after all the build up about how haunted the asylum is, the climax takes place in an entirely different location, basically negating everything that was said before. I just deflates any atmosphere or tension that the film has managed to build up. And the climax is so damn awful, it has the worst portal of hell ever put on film, it makes the one from 1977's The Evil look good.

So basicly we have a film that is a collection of cliches and plot devices from other films, (even the reason they're there has been stolen from The Legend of Hell House), poorly redone and what few original ideas it has actually hurting things even more. A disappointment as I was hoping this would manage to rise above it's genre and deliver something at least a little different.

Countess Dracula's Orgy of Blood

                                            

For those of us of a certain age the name Donald F. Glut conjures up memories of trips to the library to get such thick scholarly tomes as “The Dracula Book” or “The Frankenstein Legend”. To those a few years younger he was a writer of many comics in including Captain America and Savage Sword of Conan. And to a more recent generation he's known as the director of several T& A horror and fantasy films. And that's where this review fits in...

Back in the old West, or at least California 1897, settlers had to deal with worse threats than wildlife and Indians, they had to contend with silicone enhanced female vampires making out and even running off with their womenfolk. After one such attack leads to Lord Ruthven and his assistant Diana being staked we flash forward to present day Los Angeles.

From here the story, (calling it a plot is giving it to much credit), involves resurrected vampires, lost loves, strip clubs, soft core girl/girl action and lots of fake boobs. It does have the occasional flash of inspiration like one of the vampires having to drink blood that's been filtered through another vampire's system due to an infection or Dracula's concern that his revived friend is making himself to noticeable but they're few and far between.

Having seen a couple of Glut's earlier films such as Blood Scarab and Dinosaur Valley Girls I had an idea what to expect here. Unfortunately this falls a little short of the mark compared to those films. The plot is pointless and convoluted in the extreme. While his previous efforts weren't exactly serious at least the plot somewhat made sense. This time it's like they didn't even try, all that mattered was getting the women's clothes off.

And the women are quite attractive, if you like the silicone Barbie type, (not really my thing), although Glori-Anne Gilbert is starting to show her age and seems a little over implanted. And it seems that every few minutes their getting undressed and engaging in some softcore antics with each other. After a while I was hoping for some plot or at least a male/female scene to spice things up.

This was Spanish horror icon Paul Naschy's first American film and that makes it worth a watch for his fans. Despite the top billing, he doesn't have all that large a role. The minimal effects are provided by John Carl Buechler who's done effects for and/or directed plenty of genre efforts over the years.

So what you have here is a harmless, if brainless softcore romp. It's not bad but neither is it anything out of the ordinary. It's an ok diversion, even more than that if you're the type who can trade a lack of plot for an abundance of bare breasts. And judging by the success of films like this, there's plenty of folks who can.

Monstry (1993)

                                                                       

There’s always been this idea of Russia as a country getting by on old technology left over from previous decades. And Monstry is the cinematic proof of that, using effects that were dated in the 50's when Bert I Gordon was using them in movies like King Dinosaur and The Beginning of the End and laughable when Bert I Gordon resurrected them in the 70's for Food of the Gods and Empire of the Ants. Monstry uses them in 1993, using real animals on miniature sets in a tale of radiation induced cases of gigantism.

The plot is about as simple as it gets, a team of scientists and military types are sent to investigate reports of strange goings on in the general vicinity of a damaged nuclear reactor. They run into giant critters, two of the team fall in love and a lot of other people die. The plot is as much a refugee from the 1950s as the effects are and this could have been a nostalgic throwback to those old, (often Cold War themed), films but unfortunately it's awful. It doesn't have any of the charm or silly thrills of those films, just a bad script played very straight faced. The fact the copy I saw had subtitles of unknown origin probably didn't help matters, but given the weak plotting and horrible effects I can't see the dialogue saving the day either.

The film's highlight, if you want to call it that, is a giant tortoise slowly lumbering into battle with a tank and crushing it. It then chases our heroes into a building, where an obvious puppet head menaces them through a window. Speaking of windows, there's a scene where a tentacle comes through a window and drags one of the scientist's to his death. Now we never see the rest of the creature so I have no idea what it was, but as far as I can tell there's no tentacled land animals in Russia...

As far as I know this film has never had a legit US release, indeed IMDB lists no release dates at all for it, even in Russia, so I'm not sure if this was released or escaped. You can find copies of it floating around the internet and it is on YouTube at the moment. I can't really recommend it, but it is a genuine oddity for the curious. 

                                           

Battle of the Damned

Dolph Lundgren as a mercenary hired to retrieve a rich man's daughter, seen this before but could be interesting. But rather than enemy troops or Russian mobsters, the problem is zombies and an imminent airstrike to deal with them , ok this has my attention. And there's robots, yes robots, ok I need to see this like yesterday.

The pretitle sequence, (which runs a full 15 minutes) intercuts Dolph's taking the assignment and being assured there’s no danger beyond getting past the military blockade and the zombies decimating the men in his team, (“They lied to you” “No shit” ). Of course he survives and refuses to be evacuated to stay and finish the mission anyway. So much for logic.

We also get to see plenty of zombies being dispatched by multiple methods including stabbing, and not a knife to the head type stabbing but blade to the heart and throat cuttings, (later we'll get to see the big guy actually choke a zombie out), so we also learn that these zombies don't play by the usual rules. Granted they're the result of an experimental bioweapon getting accidentally released but still stabbing and choking zombies just seems wrong.

Our hero finds the girl within a few minutes of the credits finally rolling and his men being killed, (hows that for luck?), but of course there's a catch. There's a small group of other survivors and she refuses to leave without them. Add a megalomaniac leader who’s not willing to give up his power to get rescued, a girl who wanders around in nothing but nightgowns, a jealous boyfriend and suddenly you're wondering why he doesn't just toss her over his shoulder and run for it. Hell, even after they set him up and leave him for the zombies he still comes back to save all their asses.

And it's after they head out, (and almost an hour into the movie), that the robots show up. They look like something out of a 50's film, (and are leftovers from the director's previous film “Robotropolis” ) and are something of a deux ex machina with them as both the deux and the machina. Appearing out of nowhere just in time to help our heroes, or at least some of them, escape in one piece. Despite the impact they make in the trailer they really are underwhelming in the film itself, although Dolph's interaction with them "What do you do with zombies?" "We fuck them up" is fun.

Apart from that well, Dolph looks pretty convincing kicking zombie ass and actually looks better than he has in anything besides the Expendables films recently. It's kind of hard to say about one of the actors who inspired me to get my ass in the gym back in the day, but he's been looking pretty ratty in some his recent films. I mean he looks great for a guy pushing 60 who hasn't gone Stallone's route of massive steroid and HGH use, but as a killing machine he's been a bit less than convincing lately. It may be time for him to start directing more, (he's already directed six of his films) and acting less. That said, I can't wait to see him fight Tony Jaa in “A Man Will Rise”.

When all is said and done “Battle of the Damned” is a mashup of the horror and action genres that doesn't really succeed as either but if you're in an undemanding mood and have some beer on hand might be a good time killer.

Godzilla

Ok, so this is hardly obscure, it's the biggest opening movie so far in 2014, but it's still Godzilla and I remember when it was rare as hell to see them in the theater, so I say it qualifies lol.

Of course the biggest fear most people had was that any non Japanese film starring The Big G would be as big a mess as the 1998 film. Granted I didn't hate it as much as most people and think it would have been better received if it hadn't tried to pass itself off as a Godzilla film, but it was a colossal disappointment. This probably wasn't helped by the choice of director, Gareth Edwards. His previous film, 2010's “Monsters” is a great film, but it's also his only feature and was made for pocket change. Could he handle a $160 million dollar blockbuster? Even Peter Jackson hadn't made that big a leap, having at least done “The Frighteners” to get familiar with studio work before taking on LOTR.

Thankfully, Gareth proves to be more than up to the task and delivers a film that mixes the original film's buildup and suspense with the kaiju battles of the later films while avoiding the pro wrestling inspired silliness that marked the film's low points.

One of the main complaints about the film is that it's slow to start, and at first I was actually in agreement with those complaints. But as the film went on it became obvious that starting off focusing on the human characters pays off and you actually care about them and their fate.

The film starts with a presentation that gives a quick background to the situation, which is somewhat different from the Toho version but still close. It also begins in the same way as the original, (and by that I mean the Japanese “Gojira”, not the recut American version), slowly with just suggestions and brief glimpses among the character’s being built up. The destruction of the nuclear plant is impressive on both the emotional and visual levels, but even then the creature is kept entirely off screen.

It's a good half hour until we see the MUTO, and that is a spectacular sequence well worth the build up as it hatches from a giant cocoon and lays waste to all around. Godzilla himself doesn't make a full appearance until nearly an hour in, and when it does it is spectacular and at that point the action kicks in and doesn't stop till the end.

This time around the creatures are a mix of CGI and motion capture and it is some of the best CGI I've ever seen. They look real and imposing, move like they have actual mass and weight and are very convincing. A special mention has to be given to Godzilla's fire breath, although badly underused, the effect is stunning looking more like lightning than fire.

On the down side, at times it seems our hero has a knack for coincidentally being in the right place at the right time and it starts to feel a bit forced towards the end of the film. Also the cast is fairly small which goes a bit against establishing the scope of the events.

So while not all it could have been, Godzilla is still a damn good way to spend a couple of hours and highly recommended.

Godzilla (2014) Trailer

Zombie Women of Satan

A movie that starts with a burlesque troupe performing can't be all bad can it? Especially when it involves a hot woman doing a fan dance right? Well yeah it can when she's wearing pasties that cover not only her nipples but half her damn boobies. And this is in a film who's main, (only?), selling point is topless female zombies... Sadly this is just one of the many disconnects and epic failings of this film.

The setup is great, the afore mentioned burlesque troupe and a female rock singer are invited to a remote farm to be interviewed for an internet show. Of course the host has a secret that involves a cult of brainwashed women and a mad scientist father doing bizarre experiments on women. Of course the singer has a secret of her own, her sister vanished visiting the host and his cult and she's determined to find her at any cost. So we have a group that includes a tough chick, a dwarf, a mute who's act involves chainsawing an apple in half while holding it in his mouth, (there's a reason he's mute...), and Pervo the Clown having to face down these flesh eating flashers, and it all goes horribly wrong.

A film like this has to walk a fairly thin line between enjoyable sleaze and outright misogyny, and the makers of this film didn't even try. Most of the film's “action” consists of scantily clad, and frequently topless female zombies being beaten to death with blunt objects such as golf clubs, usually after Pervo has managed to grope them and make a couple of titty jokes. There's also a bit of apparent zombie rape/necrophilia. I say apparent because the bound female zombie has panties on, and her attacker keeps his pants on, but there he is grinding away regardless.

Now I'm not one to offend easily but this film managed it. It desperately wants to be over the top and outrageous in it's humor but falls so short it's painful. With some actual talent involved this could have been a good enough black comedy along the lines of Bad Taste or Frankenhooker but the writing and directing never rise to the occasion. Even without that it still might have found a niche if they'd piled on the gore the ludicrous levels, but the budget didn't allow for that. Instead you just have ninety minutes of unredeemed and unleavened bad taste and a shitty attitude towards women. Which is a shame because some of the zombies are rather well built...

  I paid $1 for this and honestly I feel ripped off. If you really feel the need to see this you can find the whole film on YouTube and be ripped of of nothing but your time.

                               Zombie Women of Satan (2009) Trailer

Blood Beat

A samurai in Wisconsin, and not just any old samurai but a ghostly one with telekinetic powers. But what else would you expect from a film shot in Wisconsin by a French crew with American actors and edited in Paris? And did I mention the woman who spontaneously orgasms every time it claims a victim?

This oddity starts off cliched enough as as brother and sister Dolly and Ted come back from college for Christmas holidays. Ted's girlfriend Sarah is also along for the trip, which is a good thing since there is a present for her under the tree despite the fact Ted didn't tell anyone she was coming...

We quickly settle into the usual family drama set up Dolly upsets everyone with her plans to drop out of college. Mom and Dad are having issues because she would rather paint than be there for him. And to top it all off Mom and Sarah have this weird deja-vu thing followed by a staring contest

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The weird kicks into gear the next day when they all go deer hunting and Sarah freaks out at the thought of shooting Bambi. As all of this is going down a random hunter is meeting a nasty end at the hands of someone or something unseen, and of course our happy group stumble across the messy, (or as messy as the budget will allow), aftermath. That night Mother has an odd seizure like incident of guided painting while Sarah finds a chest with a samurai’s armor and weapons, a chest which of course vanishes when she tries to show the others.

And then all incomprehensible hell breaks loose. A samurai bathed in a ghostly blue light starts killing people. A kitchen comes to malevolent life. Sarah lies on the bed, apparently masturbating, body arching and sounding damn sure like she's cumming every time the samurai claims a victim. A fleeing victim leads the armored entity to the family's house and it all ends in a battle of psychic powers complete with animated rays shooting from people's hands...

  Now maybe it was the mix of French filmmakers and Midwestern talent or just good old 80's drugs but this film is just messed up. I mean after a night of terror do the main characters get out of Dodge? No they go deer hunting and run into the samurai in the woods, and still just go back home afterward. A gutted body in the woods and a man killed by an arrow on their doorstep don't scare them off either. And just how/why is a mystic Japanese warrior stalking the backwoods of Wisconsin?

This is one of those films where they tossed wild batch of ideas into a pot, heat till it boils, then toss the resulting stew against a wall and see what sticks. Everything from WW2 stock footage, (mushroom cloud included), to electronically processed voices and deer hunting, complete with real, gutted deer are part of the menu, and even if it doesn't all stick, it's an oddly tasty stew. Granted it's best served with a side order of hash, or at least a few beers, but it is oddly tasty.

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                                                          Blood Beat (1983) Trailer